She came inside, put on pants and a coat and a hat. She gave me a kiss, said “OUTSIDE!” in her language, gave me another kiss and trotted out the door, beaming. I could here her screaming and chasing Ty and Allie around as the played in their typical manner. slowly, I slipped off into in sleep while they played.

I have had a rough winter. Single parenting and seasonal depression are match made in hell. I sleep all the time. I workout. I take vitamins. I eat healthy. Yet, I’m still taking multiple naps everyday. some are accompanied with an allergy headache even.

Suddenly, Fluffy comes in my room and tells me something about someone being at the door. I panic and grab a jacket. In the doorway is a very concerned woman.

“Is this your child?” She asks, pointing at Bear who stomped in as if all was usual.

“Yes!” I exclaimed, feeling puzzled.

“She was  outside wandering up and down the road.”

My heart raced as I tried to figure out how that could have happened. Oh shit! The back gate is missing its lock. Fuck! I had totally forgotten about it. My head was spinning.

“I called the police because I didn’t know what else to do.” She told me.

That was fine. I would so much rather have someone ask for police help than just drive past the little kid walking down the road in the dark. My head still reeling, I spoke with the deputy who came up the driveway. I explained to him who she is, what her condition is and what I assume had happened. I fully expected to be arrested for neglect right there in the cold and dark. He got my name and information. He offered to come inside and talk to her about staying home after dark. I wish that would have some effect on her. I thanked them for responding.

As I was gathering what wits I had left together, Mike called. Perfect timing. I lost it. I was still in shock, choking tears came out as I told him of my giant failure. After we finished talking to him. Bear decided it was bedtime. She grabbed her toys and blankets and shuffled into my room. She’s been having trouble sleeping, so she’s been sleeping on “Dad pillow” for weeks now. She’s my alarm clock. On school days, when I hear her get up in the morning , I know that I need to get Fluffy up and moving.

Her adventure tuckered her out. She was snoring before I could get her diaper changed. What a night.

In no particular order, I’m typing them in the categorical order they are in my BeyondPod list. Click the title to get the site.

• NPR: Story of the Day
• MSNBC Rachel Maddow
• Tech News Today
• Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4
• All About Android
• Wait Wait … Don’t Tell Me
• The Nerdist
• TBTL: Too Beautiful To Live
• WTF with Marc Maron
• Judge John Hodgman
• Professor Blastoff
• NSFW Show
• WNYC’s Radiolab
• The Naked Scientists
• NPR: Planet Money
• This Week in Google
• Stuff You Missed in History Class
• Stuff Mom Never Told You
• This American Life

It’s difficult to post these things here lately because “what if my clients read this and decide they don’t want to work with a crazy lady?” is ALWAYS in the back of my mind. I keep trying to remind myself that if that is what a potential or current client chooses, I don’t want to work with them. But my income is at stake all the same.

I’m trying to give myself permission to let go of the guilt for not keeping up on housework while parenting solo. It doesn’t help that Fluffy is being a difficult preteen and “forgetting” about her chores. Then Mike calls and offers “helpful tips” on how to get things done. Unsolicited advice is bad, even from your spouse. I need to perfect my plans for the smack-you-through-the-phone-inator.

I need to go pack for MindCamp. I love unconferences, especially local ones. I still need to take extra Xanax but the networking and discussion is fabulous. Not to mention I’ll get time on my own.

I pulled out the snow play toys, aka winter sports gear, and highlighted how it can be used for enhance your child’s chilly time. Fluffy wants every single one. She’s an adrenaline junkie when it comes to going fast downhill. Bear just likes to be pulled around in circles for about 6 minutes, then come back inside for cartoons.

Now scurry on to AfterSchool.com to get your 30% off one of these awesome toys.

Shamelessly, I have included my Amazon links because our diaper bills are soaring.

I have not been compensated by afterschool.com for this post. I just really liked the toys.

In recognition of November as Alzheimer’s Awareness Month, Home Instead is addressing this issue by offering more than 200 local Alzheimer’s CARE training sessions to family caregivers in all 50 states. The program is free for families and others caring for loved ones with the Alzheimer’s and dementia.

Home Instead is the world’s leading provider of in-home care services for seniors, with more than 950 locations. Its first-of-its-kind family training program addresses current and future health needs by offering family members a fresh approach to providing Alzheimer’s care—one that encourages mental engagement to help relatives remain safely at home and in familiar surroundings as long as possible.

The Alzheimer’s CARE program is available at no cost through in-person training sessions in select U.S. cities and online courses. For more information on the program, please visit www.helpforalzheimersfamilies.com

Alzheimer’s Facts

• One in eight older Americans has Alzheimer’s disease.
• Alzheimer’s disease is the sixth-leading cause of death in the United States and the only cause of death among the top 10 in the United States that cannot be prevented, cured or even slowed
• Over 15 million Americans provide $210 Billion worth of unpaid care for a person with Alzheimer’s or other dementias

Disclosure: This press release in informational only. I did not receive any compensation for posting this announcement.

Then he tells me he has to take his new car for stereo repairs. The car that he has had less than a month. The car that needed stereo repairs the day after he bought it.

When I asked when we would go get the cough:minivan:cough that the kids and I NEED, he says, I must wait. Let’s move first. Being closer to work the past two weeks (did I mention that I booted him after our last argument over the vehicle purchasing debacle?) has made him realize that I was right. Six months ago!

He backed out of TWO house purchases. I’m gunshy now. Then the next reason he gives me for not wanting me to get another vehicle is the same one he said about buying a house! I’m not a good enough housekeeper and now my car cleaning skills have taken away my rights to a more appropriate size car for my kids.

Utter bullshit. Then he goes to work. Says he’ll be back in an hour. I went for my daily run. I showered changed and such.

We’re going on three hours now. So, I’m sitting in the bar next to his work drinking whiskey.

My steamer class just arrived. Looks like I’m eating alone.

For centuries, depression has been marginalized all over the world. Everyday desperately sad people are told to put their chin up and think happy thoughts. This is not Peter Effing Pan, people.  I live it everyday. I have a team of medical professionals, friends and family who are committed to making sure I don’t fall into the abyss. It gets better, it truly can. But not until you take the steps to get help. Nobody but you can do that. I do it because I love my life. My kids, husband, family, dogs, friends, and so many other things are worth getting out of bed for. The first step is always the hardest.

You are not alone. Here are some facts on depression worldwide.

• Depression is a common mental disorder. Globally, more than 350 million people of all ages suffer from depression.
• Depression is the leading cause of disability worldwide, and is a major contributor to the global burden of disease.
• More women are affected by depression than men.
• At its worst, depression can lead to suicide.
• There are effective treatments for depression.
  Source WHO Fact sheet N°369

I have had two members of my family lose their lives to the worst affect of depression. I have been on the edge too many times to count. The good news is there is treatment. There are so many options now, it’s tremendously exciting. We are on the verge of a new breakthrough in medication. therapists have a whole new tool box to help you through you struggle.

Depression is a medical condition. It can be situational or chronic. The only way to know for sure is to talk to a professional. Stop pushing it off as “as soon as we get through [fill in the blank], I’ll feel better. You don’t know that for sure. One of my family members was heartbroken after a breakup with his longtime love. He made a choice that was a cry for her attention to show her how sad he was without her. Now he is gone forever. Now she has to carry that in her mind forever.

If you had diabetes, you would take insulin. If you had an ear infection, you would take penicillin. Society has made mental illness separate from other ailments for too long. Let’s stop that trend. Treating depression helps everyone around you. Talk therapy helps you recognize triggers and how to make it through each day. Medication can ease you symptoms and let the sunshine in your head again. Faking happiness will not make you feel better, either.

Here are some symptoms:

• Irritability or frustration, even over small matters
• Loss of interest or pleasure in normal activities
• Reduced sex drive
• Insomnia or excessive sleeping
• Fatigue, tiredness and loss of energy — even small tasks may seem to require a lot of effort
• Feelings of worthlessness or guilt, fixating on past failures or blaming yourself when things aren’t going right
• Trouble thinking, concentrating, making decisions and remembering things
• Frequent thoughts of death, dying or suicide
• Crying spells for no apparent reason
• Unexplained physical problems, such as back pain or headaches

Source: Mayo Clinic

If someone you know is experiencing symptoms of depression, speak up. Offer to take the kids for a day so she can go to the doctor. Make meals for the family to lighten her mental load. But most important, say “I think you may be depressed. Have you seen a doctor lately?” Do not let it pass after one comment. Keep that person under your watch. Mention it to his/her significant other. This is one case where nagging is helpful when done in a kind way.

In closing I want you all to remember this:

Everyone occasionally feels blue or sad. But these feelings are usually short-lived and pass within a couple of days. When you have depression, it interferes with daily life and causes pain for both you and those who care about you. Depression is a common but serious illness.
Source: What Is Depression? NIMH

I opened a shop on etsy and there is a long list of unique items that I sell for low prices. I want to share the love.  Also, I am running out of storage space.

Use the code “MAMIKAZEROCKS” for 25% off of your order. Do a search for coupon codes and you may find another that is still active ::wink::wink::

I am also taking custom orders for scarves, bracelets, and dishcloths. Email me from my contact page and I will set up an order for you.

I didn’t. I have been lulled into passive agressive codependent interactions. I keep holding on to the sweet way he said he would try harder to learn about the nature of my conditions. I let my guard down.
We just passed our thirteenth wedding anniversary. We went out to dinner. It was a good meal but nobody in the restaurant would have suspected we were celebrating anything.

I need to blame his behavior on his job. On the stress and long hours. The hour commute. He screamed at me because he is trying to keep our budget in order. Not because he hates me. I’m sure deep down he knows it’s my hypomanic compulsive news that’s behind my shopping. My therapist vouched for me two weeks ago.

“I don’t think it’s unreasonable” is just his insecurity talking. He can’t possibly …

I have let my boundaries slip away. Because I can’t handle the thought of our routine changing. I desperately need for this person who says those ugly things to disappear back to the depths of hell from whence he came. That man is going to meet mama bear if he doesn’t chill.

No person, no family, no society exists in a vacuum. Evolution is a constant. I am different because I have worked hard to find awareness. Such a brutal work schedule, diabetes, plus mega diagnoses for your wife and kid trashes the mind.

While I understand the underlying causes, I won’t allow the outward appearance of them in my home. I will not allow my children to live with it.

I have put the ground rules in writing. I am going to post them in plain site. They will be observed or the offender will go.

The issue is not the issue and I am calling it out.