I have been blogging on tumblr again for a few months. I can mix my politics, nerdiness, and other topics in one place. I like replying to other’s posts and reading comments from strangers. There is a Disqus (the only commenting option, boo) box on each post so you can comment if you don’t have a tumblr account.
Dating is especially hard when you are a person with any sort of traumatic past. Also, if you are a person with standards. Combine the two and having a virtual sorting hat is helpful. It doesn’t keep the creeps or socially inept (raising my hand) away, though. I don’t tell my life story on my profile. Nobody wants to see that. I do make it clear that I am complicated and picky. It was very difficult for me to post those things because I didn’t want to limit my field. Then it dawned on me that in fact, I do want to narrow the field as quickly as possible. I am willing to give most guys a chance but I am speculative.
I was reading in a post in a forum that a man wrote about his experience with a woman who was an abuse survivor.
I refuse to suffer for what some other asshole did to you.
I am not that man. I don’t deserve to be treated like him.
I am kind, I am decent, I am honorable, and I try to keep my promises, even the stupid ones.
It took my breath away. So he’s not “that guy” but he’s got no problem with victim shaming.
Our interactions will show me what is important to you. Actions, you know about them. If you aren’t prepared to work with the weakness in my personality, you should move on. Spending your time assuring me that you are not “that guy” pushes you closer to that category. I won’t allow you to tear open wounds that have been healing for decades. Go whine about my hangups somewhere else. Call me clingy because I ask for confirmation on the date we penciled in earlier this week to somebody who cares.
I have been open. I told you I am broken. I told you that I am not looking to be fixed by anyone. When I tell you that I would rather not engage in a specific act for specific reasons does not mean I am treating you like “that guy.” I am preventing my brain from making that association. I am doing you a favor. If you are honorable, kind, and decent, you already know this.
Yes, I have trust issues. I am not going to read your mind, I read your behavior. I ask questions when I am not sure of your meaning. Those guys who damaged me, they all promised that they were better than that. They said they would never hurt me. Talk is cheap. Blind trust is not trust. It is desperation. It is codependency. I am past that I not planning on returning.
It will be frustrating. I am not quick at making decisions. I am careful with my words. I cannot put my emotions into words easily. Take it or leave it.
Note: This is written as a female/male dating perspective because it is drawn from recent experience. This happens is all types of relationships.
Like last year, I’m typing them in the categorical order they are in my BeyondPod list. Click the title to get the site.
- MSNBC Rachel Maddow
- Tech News Today
- Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4
- Wait Wait … Don’t Tell Me
- TBTL: Too Beautiful To Live
- Judge John Hodgman
- Professor Blastoff
- NSFW Show
- WNYC’s Radiolab
- The Naked Scientists
- NPR: Planet Money
- This Week in Google
- Stuff You Missed in History Class
- Stuff Mom Never Told You
- This American Life